Two sides to my baby loss story

This week is baby loss awareness week. The 15th Oct at 7.00pm marks ‘wave of light’. It offers the opportunity for parents who have lost a child or pregnancy to remember them.

I wrote a blog 7 years ago about my first baby loss. The loss turned my inner world upside down and inside out. The circumstances were unusual and I’d never heard of a missed miscarriage, before the consultant told me the news. Looking back, I can recall the exact moment I stepped out of my body in shock. I can also recall the exact moment I did the same thing for each of the following two miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy. In psychiatry this is called ‘splitting’ and describes it as the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. In trauma theory it’s described as ‘a piece of the personality breaking off inside and forms a new individual.’ I was unwilling to face the reality. The emotional turmoil and grief was like nothing I’d felt before. Oh no, I had tastes of it over my life, but I’d pushed that all away ;-. Activating our deepest emotions engages the vagus nerve or the fight, flight or freeze response, which in turn embeds the trauma in our body. It affected all my decisions, responses and actions from then. Dissolving opposing beliefs is an art. An art that required more commitment from me, when 2 more miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy followed over the years. My coaching career meant I had had psychotherapeutic training, but clearly seeing my inner world was impossible in the turmoil. I engaged an amazing psychodynamic therapist for several years and turned to my own systemic coaching mentors, peers and constellators along the way for support.

Here’s the other side of the story. I know I’m not living if I’m not in the present, available to the moment that’s right now. Paying ourselves love and attention is a requirement for being human today. I use the word ‘pay’ on purpose. We pay for so much without a thought and yet very little of our attention goes towards loving ourselves. Nothing outside of us will ever quench our thirst, unless we are willing to examine why we seek it in the first place. The energetic patterns that cause the seeking in the first place, that we hold, have nothing to do with time and space as we know it. They make no sense in our linear, time bound, material world. Our energetic patterns carve the life we have. Judging ourselves for them is literally asking for punishment. Examining them with curiosity is our only relief in my experience. We cannot evolve without trauma, to examine and enable human kind to evolve beyond our bodies survival mechanisms. What if the whole of human kind knew that most of their beliefs, views and actions were from our bodies survival mechanisms and could be conscious choices instead?

Whatever trauma you’ve faced, because we all have scars along the way, I encourage mastering the art of your energy and all the opposing views you may not wish to even acknowledge you have, not just the point of view you’re experiencing right now. What if you made more conscious choices? It’ll take unwavering discipline to pay attention to yourself, your state and your actions, so how daring do you feel right now? Daring enough to re-write your history?